I don't blog much anymore. Maybe because my life is full. Maybe because my heart has made the jump from the pain of a broken life to the joy and song of a life re-written by God.
Not too long ago I was in the struggle of my life. Things I held dear were torn apart and the life I dreamt of came to a crashing halt. I am writing this to those of you that are struggling right now. I am writing to tell you not to lose hope. Remember that God still has a plan for your life and that His plan is for good and not harm. He loves you.
There were nights and days that I just wept. I felt alone. I wondered if I would ever feel whole, happy, and in love with God again. I struggled to smile. I played the part for my kids but inside I was crushed and felt defeated. I struggled with bitterness, resentment, and anger. How could this happen to a Christian marriage? I didn't plan on this. I wanted God to fix it. I wanted things to be set right. Watching my kids go through the pain of it was even more devastating.
At some point I finally surrendered. I got on the floor one morning and laid face down. I turned on a Christian song and said to God "I don't know what to pray for and I don't know what you want for my life. All I have is this moment of silence with you." In that silence, during a three minute song, God reached in and scooped me up. He had been waiting for me to surrender. I wasn't completely surrendered at that moment but my heart felt something for the first time in months. I felt pain but I felt something and that was more than I had allowed myself to feel for quite some time.
I picked up my Bible. I read a short bit. It gave me a small glimpse of hope. I committed to doing this daily (laying on the floor, listening to that song without asking for anything or thinking a word, and then reading a small bit of scripture). In time, I realized that God still had a plan for my life. I just had to trust Him.
Over the next year little by little I noticed that my resentment was fading, I wasn't feeling sorry for myself anymore (well not as much), and I was embracing my time with God. God started pointing me outward. I started to see other people and the pain they were experiencing. I started to focus on other's more than myself. I found myself completely in love with God again (I was so worried I would never feel this way again). I still had times where I felt the world crashing in around me or felt sad but I was being renewed from the inside out.
I decided my life with God and my kids was worth the fight. We would take this thing head on. I started memorizing scripture and using it against my negative thoughts. I failed at times but I was getting better.
I purposed myself to live for God. No matter what. At some point I realized I was going to have a great life. As long as God was center then I would be happy. I wanted redemption to win. In the end it did.
No matter how the story went from that point on it was going to be a win. Meeting Brian was icing on the cake. Don't mistake me though. It was not the cake. The cake was God, His love for me, and his ability to create a beautiful song out the ashes of a broken life. My heart was in this for God and He was and is my first love. The icing (Brian and the boys) made my life that much sweeter but they couldn't take the place of God.
Whatever it is that you are struggling with take heart. I know it's hard and you feel worn out. You have made mistakes and you feel crushed by the weight of the world. You want to feel whole again and happy. You want to have something to smile about. You may have nothing to give right now. It may be hard to even lift your hands in prayer. Give what you have, however little that might be. God is in the business of building beautiful things from ashes. He will fight for you if you will let Him. Don't lose hope. You will come out of this stronger and more beautiful than you can imagine. You will love people in a way you never could have before. Most importantly you will have a deeper relationship with your heavenly Father. The parts dead in you will be reborn.
I love you!! Don't lose hope :)
