Saturday, December 15, 2012

A world that is broken

It's funny how I am moved to write.  It's the way I let it out, cry it out, and shout it out to a world that is broken.  It's the way I try to make sense of things that don't make sense and call out to a God that I know is always listening. 

My heart was broken this weekend.  Thinking on all that isn't right in this world.  Friends facing divorce, innocent kids losing their lives, a friend that is mourning the anniversary of the death of her 5 year old boy, my own kids and the trials they face due to divorce.  Everywhere I look people are suffering.  I had lunch with a mom that is recovering from divorce, drugs, alcohol, and chaos.  She is trying to put the pieces back together but they keep crumbling around her.  Another dear friend was homeless only two short years ago and living in a woods.  She was nine months pregnant and my heart ached for her and the road she was on.  Every day I hear of another marriage in trouble.  Men and women deciding to leave their families and their precious kids to be with another.  I see kids at the schools that get picked on, teased, and sit alone at recess.  Another friend lost his wife to cancer 15 months ago.  He has a five year old daughter and is left to put the pieces back together.  He's not happy with God. 

I've had my own share of heartache.  I have felt crushed, worn out, tired, and alone.  I know what it feels like to have something ripped out of your hands.  I have seen my kids shed tears and ask questions of "why?" and "how come?".  Hudson and Leo don't even remember the previous life (the one with their mom and dad in it).  They shuffle back and forth.  Two homes, two different set's of rules, different people, etc... I am missing half of my kids lives.  That's a tough reality.  I won't be with them on Christmas or New Year's because it's not my year.  I didn't ask for this, it was chosen for me.

My heart is heavy and at times I feel down.  It's hard to live in the "now" and yet not forget the "then".  I am so thankful for the life I have with Brian and the four boys that have stolen my heart.  I realize that this blessing came at a price.  We both lost something dear to us.  Our kids lost something dear to them as well.  Divorce stinks, death seems unfair, and the heartache that comes with pain is sometimes too much to bear.

Then God calls out to me.  He says "Loree I am here"  "I am crying too"  "I am saddened by the choices my people have made"  "I love you".  He reminds me that He is here.  He is not leaving.  He cares about every single suffering person.  He loves them no matter who they are, what they believe, and what they have done.  He holds each one in his heart.  He will keep calling out no matter how many times they say "Where are you God" or "How could you let this happen".  He doesn't cause the pain, this is not His plan.  He does promise that He will put the broken pieces back together if we are willing.

My friend that lost her son, She has two beautiful kids that don't take life for granted.  They have pushed forward.  They will never forget their sweet boy but they have been surrounded by people that love them more than words.  Divorce stinks but I have seen God use it to break people down and show them a greater love than they ever imagined.  A love that I experienced.  A love for my Saviour that I never had before.  He is my everything.  Would that ring true if my life was full of rainbows and roses?  My friend that was homeless now has a home :)  and a job, and a beautiful two year old girl, and she is in school!!!  I am so proud of her and the person she has become.  She is one of the best moms I know (not because of money or things but because she has a great big loving heart).  Our friend that lost his wife is hurting but I see that he misses God and he can't bear the thought of listening to worship music b/c he knows he will break down.  I see God moving in his life.  He is coming out of this.  I see it.  I know God has a plan for him and it's for good and not harm.  My kids . . . well I am taking it one day at a time.  I have learned to trust God with their care and to realize that He is the only one that is with them all the time.  My life was broken (and some parts of it always will be) but I have been given an amazing husband and four amazing boys that I never would have known without brokenness.  I don't take family for granted.  It's a gift.  I have been entrusted with this amazing gift.  Oh Lord thank you for giving me this beautiful broken life. 

You know what?  Today I went to a play with Hannah and Angela (Ken's girlfriend).  Last month I packed boxes at Jessica's (Brian's ex) apartment and helped her move.  God has given me a heart of forgiveness, compassion, and a desire to see peace and restoration to this broken picture.  I want my heart to be full of love.  I don't want to waste my time on petty things that don't matter in the reality of heaven.  I want Jessica and Ken and Angela and all of us to be in heaven one day.  I want us to rejoice over what God has done in our lives.  The past is gone.  Whatever they did to hurt us - Forgiven.  Whatever we did that hurt others - Forgiven.  It's all covered by the One that loved us so much that He took our place on the cross. 

I may not understand it all.  I don't claim to have the answers to life's hurts and tragedies.  I do know with all of my heart that there is a God and that He loves us.  He is not the author of sickness, divorce, pain, hunger, or death.  He did not cause this.  People, broken and lost, have caused this.  One day God will make everything whole again and the world as we know it will be no longer.  He will redeem all things.  He will restore the brokenness and we will have rest.  We will rejoice and sing at the top of our lungs.  This is not the end.  The final chapter has not come.  Even though we are weak, He is strong.  Although we are burdened, He promises rest.  Although we are broken, He is working to put the pieces back together.  When we have lost our will to fight, He steps in and wins the battle. 

I am thankful for a hope that goes beyond this life and for a peace that passes all understanding.

Love deeply, hold on to the things that matter, and trust in a God that loves you more than you know.